So to start off being completely transparent me and my wife do not have biological children.
We are both Christians and take every opportunity we can to be involved with children of all ages. There is one phrase that completely irritates us and bring our blood pressure up. And that is “You cant/don’t understand your not a parent”. Well I have heard it enough and decided to find a response to that conceited, self center, egotistical, non-Christian phrase. The people that say that phrase may have the best intention. But in my experience they say this when they are backed into a corner with the truth and they have no other way to combat the truth. So they use this phrase to dismiss you and the situation that prompted the conversations. Regardless of the intention of the parent that made the comment. They are not acting in the best Christian manner that the bible tells us to in . 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which is one of my wife’s favorite verses.
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This verse alone covers it all. When parents dismiss non parent they are boasting, acting proud, and dishonoring the “Non Parent”. That does not being to cover all the other things that could be preventing someone from not having children of their own. These parents are complete being self centered by assuming that someone can not love, or understand parent hood with out giving birth or having a biological child of there own. They dismiss the parents that adopt and people who love being with children and helping them in way that their parents can’t, wont or don’t understand how. See as quick as parents will toss out that hatefully phrase. I believe that we “non parents” can toss one back. “You don’t understand you’re a Parent!” This is where us that are not parents have an advantage over parent.
Parents are too close to their kids. They can not see the underlying problems. They have blinders on to how their kids act. Every parent I know has said something similar to “My kids are good”, “They would not do that”, “Just because they where around those kids does not mean my kids did it”. But let me be brutally honest. Yes, Your kids are capable of doing what ever it is that you think they would never do. Stop and think about your Childhood and the things you did. Did you parents always know what you was doing? Did you live a completely sinless and perfect childhood? If you say yes, Then you need to do some serious souls searching and start living in reality. The bible answer this for us.
As it is written: “There is none righteous, no, not one;”
Romans 3:10
When parents that make The comment they are telling people that they do not have empathy or compassion. You are telling us that we don’t understand what its like to suction a stuffy nose out and clean all the snot and boogers to make the child a little more comfortable. You are telling us that we can not understand the sleepless nights when your checking on a baby every few hours to ensure nothing is goes wrong. You are telling us that we understand that turning your back for one minute can results in a crayon colored wall, plate of food tossed across the room. You telling us they we can not understand the fear of a child filling its last dipper while in the middle of the mall, grocery store or driving home from the DR office. You are telling us we don’t or can’t understand what its like to love like Jesus. Better yet you are telling us we cant love like Jesus because the child is not our biological child.
34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 13:34-35
So for those parents that keep saying it I ask that you stop and ask yourself are you acting as God wants you to act. Are you being a good Christian and truly following the Christian belief’s? Or are you just acting like a Christian on Wednesday and Sundays.
Now my new response will be. NO! You don’t understand you’re a Parent!
Today parents are trying too hard to protect kids, For some reason parents want to be friends and not parents. So what is friendship? Friendship is a group of people who have similar notions and ideas about life. This is most defiantly not you and your child. If we are honest with each other kids and adults have different ideas on just about everything. They most defiantly should have different priorities, and because of that parent/child friendship is a ticking time bomb.
Because you are a parent you cant understand. You are most likely overcompensating for problem you had as a child. You mostly likely made the comment my kids will not have to deal with that. What ever that was. It could have been overly strict or too lenient parents, being wild and out-of-control or running with friends that were no so innocent. Regardless of what your childhood was you are most assuredly overcompensating in someway with your child. Most likely you don’t even realize it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your child from making the same mistakes we did. The bible tells us to protect our children.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.”
Proverbs 22:15
As parents you have to be the disciplinary. Not going to even try and get into the how to discipline a child. That is another thing altogether. But as parents you have to leave out the emotion of your past and focus on the emotions of your child. We have literally had a teenagers tell us that there parents do not tell them anything about the childhood mistake and the consequences that they had to deal with for making them. ( and the child followed 100% in the parents foot steps and taking the hard road) If parents would spend more time talking and explaining to the child the hardship and heartache that a decision they made caused them. The child most likely will not make that same mistake, But if all you do is forbid them or demand that they don’t. They most likely will. Why would they not. They know you did it. They see that you survived. They see that you become an good adult right? So without them knowing the full truth and the fully consequences they will assume that it was not that bad. So remember that you can’t fix your childhood through your child’s. But being honest with them and fully transparent you can make sure you protect them and guide them in a better direction.
One thing that parents need to understand is to allow kids to be kids. The goal of childhood should be what psychology calls individuation. Individuation is the process by which individuals in society become differentiated from one another. During this time your child may not want to share their life or experience with you. Especially if you are one of the parents that is a friend and over compensating.
So I tell you because you are a parent you can not or more honest will not understand your child. This is where I ask that instead of pushing us “non parents” away you should bring us closer. We have a unique opportunity to bridge the gap that you can not do alone. We can build trust with your kids that you can not. You kids will trust us with information that they will never trust you with. As long as we do not lose or break that trust we gain with the kids we can bridge gaps and help build parents relationships stronger.
But for this to work you are a parent have to stop trying to be a friend. You can be friendly but not by losing the stance of a disciplinary parent. Being a responsible parent means not letting kids make excuses for failure, be a disruptive person in the classroom, Skipping homework, being the rude loud/smart mouth know it all. Kids need a Parents not friends.
So as quick as you might be willing to tell us non parents we don’t understand. You might be right. But I can assure you defiantly don’t understand.
There is an old saying that it take village to raise a child. The biblical verse that supports that is.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes :9-12
So if you have a “non parent” involved with you kids. Don’t be quick to judge them. Don’t be offended when they bring you the truth. Try not to deflect and fall into the trap “not my kid”, “that other kid was the problem”, or the dreaded. “Your not a parent you can not understand”.
Instead treat the adult bring you the information as an equal, give them the benefit of being able to see the picture from outside the frame. Give their information the same as you would the other parent or as if you seen it our heard it your self. Take advantage of these people and you will bring up child that will have more respect for you and others and most importantly our lord and savior
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me,”
Matthew 18:5